I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow.

And when I woke up, the rest of this entry was

I dreamed that I was eating a giant marshmallow.

And when I woke up, my giant marshmallow was gone!

I was all alone, looking for a comb, and on the phone was David the Gnome, he said, "I have to moan about my new home, I need a small loan or I'll be forced to roam ( Read more... )

So I woke up this morning because my head was feeling oddly damp. I staggered out of bed and over to the lightswitch that controls my floor lamp, but when I flicked it, nothing happened. That's when I noticed that the lamp was in two pieces. Since it was still early-morning dark, I tried to flip on the light in my closet just so I'd get something ( Read more... )

OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS IN TWO-LINE RHYMES.

Two Walls, a Ceiling, and a Pizza Place.

The corner in the room in which I sleep
Has not once that I'm aware of made a peep.

Always Be Prepared.

If I forget my umbrella, I'll get quite wet
Unless it's not raining, in which case I'm set.

Pet Ownership.A dog is not a goldfish, frog, or cat ( Read more... )

As part of The Internet's official Public Safety Awareness Campaign, I now present the following warning:

Ten things you should never touch while time traveling.1. Butterflies ( Read more... )

HEY ( Read more... )

"You understand nothing about everything!"

--Pre-emptive response to every "clever" nincompoop who says to me, "Man it's cold outside. So much for that global warming, huh?" This is a replacement for my former response, which was to spit in their face and push them into the snow with a sneered, "Happy Holidays."

This message brought to you in ( Read more... )

It's that time of year again! The time when I make up weird and random names! Use them in your video games! Use them on your message boards! Use them as your alias when you're muling drugs across the border ( Read more... )

Is it wrong that when I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I spent the whole last half of the movie screaming, "No! You fool! She's Kristen Bell! Go back to her! Go back to her!"

The scene where she almost starts crying at the front desk? Oh that hurts. That hurts me so much.

I hate all of you people who told me to watch Veronica Mars, because I ( Read more... )